1:27am

Nothing much has happened really. I dominated the poker game this past week going 1st,1st,2nd in the games. Its about time some of my hands held up, and I simply just out played a few of the guys. They didn't have a chance. Poker is as interesting as usual. Bad beats, gutshots all that junk, and good hands holding up. I haven't really ever been into playing the NL cash games online. I have just started playing those, and Im doing pretty good there. It can be summed up as an hour of boredom with 3 minutes of excitement. Its amazing some of the confrontations that happen in these games. People try to limp with anything looking to bust and unsuspecting player.
On a personal note, things are okay. I don't have a job right now, that is the only thing really dragging me down. Poker is fun, but Im just not at the level to be able to make a living playing. Its nice little bonus money. My medication seems to be working. Im hoping there will be some more improvement over the next couple weeks in regards to my attitude and stuff.
You ever have those times where certain words just look funny. How can it be spelled like that? Is that how it is spelled? Or when words just sound weird to say. It could be boredom or exhaustion.
My friend Andy and I have this thing. Its hard to explain what it is, but when it happens we always say "its like the brakes". Its kind of like, when you both know what you are talking about but you really cant explain it. Actually that may not be a close enough explanation for it. Its different.. Its just like the brakes!! Well it came about when he and I were teenagers goofing around with our bikes (this happened on a daily basis). Anyway we were talking about the brakes but neither one of us could explain to the other what we were talking about, but we both knew what it was we couldn't say. Make sense? So we coined the phrase,"its like the brakes".
More randomness to come, is randomness a word? That really looks funny. My life is pretty boring for the most part. TV, movies, computer, video games, going to the mailbox. IM A BUM! I really don't want a job honestly. I feel like Peter Gibbons from Office Space. Ron Livingston just kills me. Well one of my favorite parts is when he jus quits his job. Im not sure if he actually quit, he just didn't give a crap and did what he wanted. Anyway he is having lunch with Jennifer Anistons character and they start talking about work. He tells her he isn't going back to work. She asked if his boss would be mad or something, he says, "probably". Just, "probably". lol. And what about bills? "I never liked paying those anyway". Now that is some funny junk. I just don't really care too much about things anymore. I feel like I have just been ran over 10 times. Its hard to move after you have been ran over 10 times.
I think randomness is a word after all. Hey its late okay. I promise Im not a complete idiot. On a brighter note, I saw The Graduate. You know the old movie with Dustin Hoffman. Well its pretty much rain man getting action by a 47yr old chick for most of the movie. Really horrible acting if you ask me, I don't see why it is such a classic. I guess you have to see it though. I have heard Mrs. Robinson in song form or just in name so much recently. If I never hear it in the next 100 years it will be too soon.

Okay lets see if I can write a poem, I haven't done that in a while, so lets see what I can do. Here goes nothing.

Cephalopod

My feelings bleed to paper.
Through my pen and back again,
until Im a little safer.
It spreads.
It makes a mockery of me,
but its all in my head.

My feelings need the paper.
The ink is the skin my feelings live in,
I am their creator.
Its heavy.
They made a mockery of me,
so I stopped shedding.

-Christopher T. Campbell

DONE! That was pretty easy. Get some juices flowing. Im not sure about the title though. You know the title is important, so I may have to change that.

SO, its late again, really late. Im bored, my medicine keeps me awake. I have to go force myself to sleep now. PEACE OUT!

The game

YO! I have been feeling much better recently. I think the medication is working.. I really didn't want to use it at first but when the doctor explained it all to me it really made sense. You see, when you get where I am you are coming to a point where your brain actually doesn't work anymore. Its scary, depression actually makes you dumb! I know Im not the sharpest tool in the shed by far, but man I have been feeling really dumb for a long time. Im not using depression as an excuse either so don't go there! j/k. Obviously Im going to be taking the stuff for at least 6 months, I hope no longer than that but I have a few follow ups appointments with the doc.. so we will see.
Well the game this past week went pretty good. I totally brought the pain, they had no idea what was coming at them. Im not saying that just because I played well either... they seriously had no clue what was going on. They probably had me pegged as a total knit, which is partially true, so this week I wowed them with my hyper aggressive style of play. Sad part is I still got 3rd. I got my share of bad beats, over and over again through the night.. and had it not been for that the game would have probably lasted an hour to and hour and a half tops. My first bad beat came when I had KK, I raised pf (preflop). A nice raise, no just doubling the blinds here, I wanted to look like I was buying the pot. My plan worked too flawlessly! I got a caller! The flop came 10 high, and I made another good sized bet, nothing over the top but a decent bet, like 3/4 of the pot. The night was still early and Cram had been playing pretty much everything.. He surprised me by pushing all in on me. He normally doesn't make plays like that! They give a lot of chips at this tournament so his raise here was HUGE! I really just wanted to make the right play, but I just didn't think he had me beat. I thought he put me on two big cards but not a pair, either that, or he had JJ or QQ and was waiting to see the flop and hope that an A or K didn't come. Well I thought about it for a good bit, in poker they call this "going into the tank". So there I was "in the tank" and finally I just decided I had the best hand. We flipped them up and he has KT, he hit top pair and was hoping I was on two big cards. Which I was.. KK!! I was proud of my play, and it was actually a hard call for me, most people would get their chips in so fast it could make your head spin, they have KK and nothing is going to make them fold. For a second though I thought he may have AA, but I know he wouldn't have just went all-in there, he would have tried to suck the chips out of me which was one of the main reasons I called. I was relieved! until.... doom doom doom!!! the turn was clean.. then the river... GOD NO!!! a TEN!!!! 2 outs is a 22-1 shot but somehow I always seem to be in the 1 time out of 22!! haha. Poker is luck too, Im learning.
Lucky for me, the first tourney is a rebuy! So Im back in! I quickly gain my chips back and then some. Im totally dominating. I keep getting hit though for like 1/3 of my stack by short stacks who are going all-in.. after I make a raise. once I had AK -vs- KJ.. he is dominated but he hits a Jack and I don't improve.. two hands later it happens again against another stack I have AQ and he has KQ.. he hits a KING!! I dont improve.. Then I get AK again and Im forced to go all in again! 4 people call, and Im hoping for a king on the flop... it comes!! YIPPIE! one guy bets into a dry side pot and the other two fold so I am prepared to scoop this one. NOPE, the guy has A4s and runner runners a flush on me. That is a 28-1 against happening by the way, and it happend to me twice that night. These actually arent unusual circumstances in poker for me though. I play right.. demolish, then lose to luck or something dumber.
The second game I bring it right away! I flop trips and split a pot with the other guy who flopped trips with me, we both had 52 imagine that! Dan one of the guys there keeps raising so I get tired of it and decide to play some real poker. Everytime he raised I reraised him. I had 68 off suit and bluffed him in a pot and showed it too him. The very next hand I get 68os again, he raises, I reraise with it. The flop comes 8 high and he bets out big.. I think for a second and go all-in.. he folds and throws his 55 into the muck face up. I end up busting him a few hands later with something I dont remember. We get down to 3 handed and Im still dominating, they are totally scared of me because they have never seen me play like this before. Im making them fold better hands, Im making them fold when we have the same hands. The call me down when Im not bluffing and fold when I am.. everything is falling into place. Then I get KK again. I called in the sb, then cram says it again.. ALL IN! Im like SWEET... CALL! He flips over ATos. cool. The flop comes Queen high. on the turn I make a set of kings.. and on the river.. with 4 outs between me and all his chips.... it comes.. the jack. He hits a straight and has a nice stack again. I proceed to dominate but get unlucky in similar circumstances the rest of the night. I cant beat them if the deck doesn't co-operate with me. It sucks to continually lose when you are dominant with dominant hands..and then when on the other side of it, and never get lucky when Im in a position that I have to call. So I get the booby prize again! 3rd place.
Im definitely going to play a similar style this week, and change gears a lot to throw them off. It was nice though to have everyone admit that I just got a string of really horrible beats when I was way ahead the entire night. I never really got mad either, which Im proud of, but I did want them to think they were throwing my game off. I was shaking my head a bit though. Man it was war!

gotta know when to hold 'em

I guess its no secret poker has taken America by storm. Needless to say Im one of the fold. I did start playing just shortly before it really exploded but I didn't beat it by much. I have always been intrigued by poker but I never really knew that much about it before about 3 years ago. Im a net winner at poker since day one, but it is the intricate love/hate relationship I have with the game that makes things difficult. Poker really is a game with a lot of emotion, the key is to limit your response to it when you play. When playing online its easy to blow up, because no one at the table can see it, but in a live game situation that isn't the case. I find it much easier for that reason to keep my cool in a live game, even though I have gotten visibly bent and obviously angry at times. Why? Why get mad? I have blown up 1,000 times at my computer when some guy sucks out a runner runner flush on my set of queens. He didn't pair the board, he didn't have a draw... he only had two outs.. a hope, and a prayer, oh and that one thing..."a feeling". So why get mad, these are the guys Im hoping to play against, these are the guys that make me a net winner. Im not owed a win with my trip queens just because I hit!
Well I haven't been playing poker online except for the free roll tournaments that are nearly impossible to get into. I have limited myself to a weekly $5 buy in tournament that is a live game. Its way more fun than playing a computer screen. I cant make much money there, but for entertainment, you cant beat the price.
I have always loved games, and I think Im just infatuated with poker especially Hold 'em and 7Stud HL. Just shuffling the chips waiting for that first card to be slid under my fingertips... watching the cards being dealt, then getting that second card right over the top of the first. The big moment comes for most people when you get to look at your hand, but my game starts way before that ever happens. I take a look at everyone at the table to see what they are doing, trying to get into their head even before anyone can call the big blind. I bet people never thought 52 cards could be so complicated, but poker like an onion has many layers. Playing against most people there is no use to get into the psychological game really. At the low limits I play its virtually worthless, because they just don't pay that much attention to the game. However I do think people are coming around for the most part. People are catching up to what good play is in general, and knowing what hands are good, but they still don't know how to use the information they have. This is where knowledge begins to be the downfall for a player, they realize their previous luck and try to correct with a better game only to see their new found knowledge create their demise. Why does it happen like this and how can it be corrected? Well I don't know why it happens and Im going to let you find out how to correct it for yourself. Good luck with that onion head!
Anyway I enjoy the game. It is mentally rewarding even if I lose, especially if I know I have made good reads and laydowns and lose anyway. Sometimes the cards just don't work and that is the nature of the game. I didn't get a single good hand at the last game I played in but I still made 3rd. Actually I got AK once and everyone folded to my raise. I have only played with these guys 3 times and I think I have all of them but one down. I have been getting 3rd in every game I have played with these guys and they only pay top two.
I miss playing with Kyle and Dawn and all those guys on the weekends. Those were some really fun games. Kyle is still one of the trickiest players I have ever played against which is why I like playing with him. I hope he noticed I hardly ever got in many hands with him for that reason. The others haven't really caught on to that aspect of the game yet. I just let Kyle do what he does and stay out of his way unless I have a hand. Kyle is very good at going all in, and everyone hates him for that. I think its funny that they still insist on trying to out play him. Funny thing is, he has them so off, they fold when they should call, and call when they should fold. I don't know if he is doing it on purpose or if it just happens that way!! I LOVE IT! He has the best table image. I could lament for days about this. I have a lot to learn from the way Kyle plays, is there a method to his madness?
Every players game fascinates me. Im going to try some of the crazy stuff Kyle does in the next home game and I will let you know how it goes.
I know my thoughts are a little jumpy so forgive me if a sentence just seems out of place.

The songs of my moments

Life has been pretty rough on me lately and I just haven't felt like doing anything for the past few months, I suppose that includes writing a blog entry.
what's new? Nothing. Okay.. I'm pretty much out of a job even though I work for myself. I just lack motivation. Well, right now Im listening to Metallica and the song is Seek & Destroy. I kind of feel like something is seeking to destroy me I guess. Nah, its an awesome song!! I cant help it, Im a downer! I do honestly feel like no matter how hard I try (and try I do!) something is always out to stop me. I KNOW, its called adversity, well Im telling you I have a double dose and its been going on my entire life. So I have found out this month that Im clinically depressed. That really isn't news to me.
Okay song change.. guess what its still METALLICA!!! Harvester of Sorrow! Im telling you there was some genius going on when the album And Justice for All was recorded. Anyone who plays guitar and has a metal influence knows this. Anyway, Am I a "harvester of sorrow"? Maybe I am, but this song still kicks ass and you know it! Well most people who know me may not really realize how down I am on myself. I think I typically portray a easy going, happy guy. I could be wrong though. I am pretty down on myself, but its only because I want to be able to fix things that I cant fix. UH OH.. song change its: Ain't My Bitch off of Load... umm Im not getting into the whole when was Metallica good and when they started to suck debate.. but needless to say my favorites come before this album.. sorry I have to change the channel, but we may come back soon enough.
AH... Alice in Chains.. WOULD? Awesome song by one of my favorite bands. You know maybe it is my music that warps my whole self worth. Or is the music I like a result of my already warped feelings about myself. What "would" you say? I mean is it my problem that they just don't really make good music anymore! Im sure some of it is good but its my turn to talk so shut your pie hole!
Dang, the Gin Blossoms just took over. Its not my fault.. HEY JEALOUSY. You know this is one of the songs you love.. but you cant let anyone know it. "Tomorrow we can drive around this town.. and let the cops chase us around". YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT. I think its funny because you know you like it too even though you are probably shaking your head right now. So do you think it would be alright if I just crash here tonight... dude.. it might not be that bad...haha. Im not really a jealous person and Im not sure if the song is really talking about a jealous person or not. What the heck is this song about? Good its almost over. ohh song change.. just keep singing this one though.
You know, only XM can go from the Gin Blossoms to... oh yes... BOB "THE FREAKING MAC DADDY" MARLEY. I remember... uh... listening to Bobby as a young impressionable chap. I swear I didnt know what was going on, it was only a contact buzz anyway. This guy is like fuel for the fire. OH its buffalo soldier, the song. One of my favorites is by Bob, he called it Redemption Song, I call it one of the best frickin' songs of all time. Lets talk about that. I mean the word redemption is such a deep word, it has so many layers... CRAP.. song change... got to play by the rules.
wow.. I have never heard this crap. The band is DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE, and the song is Soul Meets Body. Its... kind..a guuuood. It sounds like some reject Depeche Mode meets some 80's acoustic dance.. commercial, happy pill song. Im not really connecting the dots on this, I... Im just lost, this is making me MORE DEPRESSED. Thank GOD its over.
Sarah Mclachlan. Angel. I like Sarah, she makes me feel good inside. Its like looking at something so beautiful it makes you cry every time I listen to her songs. Such a good voice, and just the right notes on that piano. She has a voice that calls to you from a dark place, and it wakes you up inside. I have always liked songwriters who just tell us something in their lyrics. Just plain, and almost too simple. It explains easily the complexity of the simplest things inside us. I guess I just dont have the words a lot of times to really say how I feel anymore, so just feeling it by listening to a song can make things okay for a bit. I dont think Im the only one who feels that sometimes. AH.. new song
Cranberries. Dreams. You know the one, with all the yelling at the end, like some tribal chant thing. Thats all I caught of that one.
On to Nirvana, Aneurysm. Okay hands down one of the Greatest bands ever. Some things are fact, this is one, swallow it no matter how much you may hate it. If you dont want to, then I will help you by shoving it down your throat. So I guess my life lately has been feeling like a Aneurysm. I mean I feel like its going to explode any moment. Its all building up and Im just going to go nuts man. Im really not going to flip out, that just isnt my style is it. Im calm, Im just going to explode quietly, like when you throw up a little bit in your mouth. Oddly enough isnt that how we are with things.. we throw up a little bit and we cant tell anyone? I mean we do it with everything. What would they think, if they know (fill in the blank)? So we just swallow it especially when we are around people. Then what happens, you start to have some hell stentch from your mouth, and no one wants to talk to you. I mean if you are one of the lucky ones and it happens when you are home alone.. YEAH LIKE THAT EVER HAPPENS, you can just spit it out. I think its just worse though because then there is no spit in there to help you out, so you are rushing for a drink.. Where am I going with this... oh yeah! No matter what we choose there are benefits and consequences, some are disguised as the other, so it can get tricky. Okay I skipped a few songs here, sue me.
I haven't posted in a long time so if this is long, to all the haters... screw you. Really. You are really ticking me off. Sorry, my depression has made me go into blunt mode. Okay Bob got that one. You guys are going to start thinking I toke or something, just chill. I have made a commitment to myself to just say what I feel. I feel like I have put myself in a bad place in my life because I don't say what I really want to a lot, and its mostly to try and make things go smoothly and sacrifice myself in the process.
OH BACK TO METALLICA. ONE!! The first song I ever learned how to play on guitar. This is one of the best songs EVER, in every way. I may just have to sit the bench and cry through this song its so good. Yes, this is the one. This is the song that I am really feeling like now. Im telling you And Justice For All is one of the best Albums ever. I don't really want to die though, Im not that far gone. I just don't see how they can play a whole set with riffs like this!! I will probably never be able to play this whole song though. That is one of the things that has really been on my brain lately. Im pretty good at quite a few things, but I have never been really good or great at anything. It just sucks to feel like you don't have a purpose and at 27 its starting to pound me into the ground.
Speaking of ground Plowed just started by Sponge. This is a cool song. You know I really like depressing music. We are a world of human wreckage. I mean really people amaze me. Just when I think people cant be dumber somebody goes and does something inconceivable. Like, oh... Trying to make a right turn on green into the left most lane, but traffic is backed up in that lane for like a mile, and the right lane is completely clear, but he waits through the whole green light (blocking me from getting into the right lane) for a break in traffic forcing me into a red light. Does it make any sense to anyone else in this situation.. don't you go up the right CLEAR lane then merge left up the road? I mean, doesn't it help... oh... EVERYONE including moron #1 in Lexus. I cant even get into this or I will get worked up.
Its late and Im pretty sure this is long enough. I will try to write more later for those who may be interested.